Chick-fil-A ist eine amerikanische Fast Food Kette, jedesmal wenn ich deren Werbung sehe muss ich lächeln.

Was ist die Unterschied zwischen Brokkoli und Nasenschleim?

Antwort

Ein Autofahrer steht in den USA im Stau. Plötzlich klopft ein Mann an sein Fenster.

"Präsident George Bush wurde enführt. Der Täter verlangt 10 Mio. Dollar Lösegeld oder er übergießt den Präsidenten mit Benzin und verbrennt ihn. Ich und meine Freunde gehen nun von Auto zu Auto und sammeln."

Autofahrer: "Und wieviel spenden die Leute im Durchschnitt?"

"Ca. 4-5 Liter ..."

Ein Deutscher und ein bildhübsches Mädchen sowie ein Holländer und eine Nonne sitzen sich in einem Zugabteil gegenüber.

Plötzlich fährt der Zug in einen Tunnel und da die Beleuchtung nicht funktioniert ist es stockdunkel. Dann hört man eine Ohrfeige, und als der Zug den Tunnel wieder verlässt, reibt der Holländer schmerzverzerrt sein Gesicht.

"Genau richtig", denkt die Nonne. "Der Holländer hat natürlich versucht, das Mädchen zu begrapschen, was sie nicht wollte, und sie hat ihm eine geschmiert."

"Genau richtig", denkt das hübsche Mädchen. "Der Holländer wollte mich im Dunkeln begrapschen, hat unglücklicherweise die Nonne berührt, was sie nicht wollte, und sie hat ihm eine geschmiert."

"So eine Schweinerei", denkt der Holländer. "Der Deutsche hat wahrscheinlich im Schutze der Dunkelheit probiert das hübsche Madchen zu begrapschen, Hat stattdessen die Nonne erwischt, was diese nicht wollte, und die hat dem Deutschen eine schmieren wollen. Das hat der Sauhund gemerkt und sich geduckt, so dass ich den Schlag abbekommen habe."

Wohingegen der Deutsche denkt: "Im nächsten Tunnel hau' ich dem Holländer wieder in die Fresse!"
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George Bush ruft Gerhard Schröder an.

"Gerhard, Du musst uns helfen! Die grösste Kondom-Fabrik der USA ist letzte Nacht abgebrannt! Wir brauchen dringend 1.000.000 Kondome, kannst Du uns damit aushelfen?".

"Sicher!" antwortet Schröder. "Das dürfte kein Problem sein."

"Die Kondome müssen aber in den amerikanischen Nationalfarben rot, blau und weiß geliefert werden. Ausserdem müssten sie mindestens 30 Zentimeter lang sein und einen Durchmesser von mindestens sechs Zentimetern haben!" sagt Bush.

"Wenn es weiter nichts ist... Ich kümmere mich darum!" entgegnet Schröder.

Daraufhin ruft Schröder den Chef der grössten deutschen Kondomfabrik an: "Wir müssen dem Amis mit 1.000.000 Kondomen aushelfen! Ist das machbar?"

"Natürlich!" antwortet der Kondom-Fabrikant. "Irgendwelche besonderen Wünsche?".

"Ja. Die Kondome sollen rot, blau und weiß sein, ausserdem mindestens 30 Zentimeter lang und mindestens sechs Zentimeter im Durchmesser.".

"Alles klar. Sonst noch was?".

"Ja" sagt Schröder. "Tun Sie mir einen Gefallen und bedrucken Sie die Kondome mit 'MADE IN GERMANY - Size: SMALL'"
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A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move." "Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie." "Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life." "Where's Bush's clock?" asked the man. "Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

Eager to accommodate the sudden surge in curiosity regarding Paris Hilton lodging news, the Travel section brings you this helpful primer:

Just as Los Angeles County operates several jail facilities, Hilton operates several hotels in Paris. But only one Los Angeles County jail inmate is listed as Hilton, Paris, and only one lodging in the City of Light calls itself the Hilton Paris.

The Hilton Paris on Avenue de Suffren has 461 rooms and stands 100 yards from the Eiffel Tower and the Trocadero Gardens, a block from the River Seine.

Paris Hilton's new home on South Alameda Street (the Century Regional Detention Facility) has 2,200 inmates and stands under a freeway and next to a railroad track in Lynwood, 12 miles southeast of downtown Los Angeles.

Rooms at the Hilton Paris have minibars, hairdryers in their bathrooms, electronic door locks with keycards and remote control TVs with cable. About half have balconies. Pets are allowed.

The Paris Hilton cell has two bunks, a table, a sink, a toilet and a small window. Its occupant can leave for about an hour a day to watch TV in a day room, talk on the telephone, exercise outside or shower. No pets.

The Hilton Paris features a newsstand where one might read of a 26-year-old miscreant hotel heiress who began incarceration June 3 following a 45-day sentence for a probation violation following a reckless driving conviction. The place in Lynwood has no newsstand.

The Hilton Paris, one former guest wrote on the Internet, is a "great location and excellent value" with a courteous and helpful concierge.

The Paris Hilton place, one former inmate told the Associated Press, "is hell." And dirty, said another. Also, said yet another, the guards are always screaming at inmates.

The cost of the Hilton Paris is $243 to $403 nightly. The cost of housing a Los Angeles County jail inmate is about $53 per day. At both establishments, breakfast is included.

(via yahoo)

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the after life with me." And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died, he was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.

When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!"

She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all
that money in there with your husband."

The loyal wife replied," Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my
word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that
casket with him."

You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"

"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my
account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

1. You have absolutely no idea where your friends are.

2. You have absolutely no idea where your car is... wait did you bring your car??

3. You've become convinced that dancing with your arms overhead, shaking your ass, and yelling WOO HOO is truly the sexiest dance move EVER.

4. You've suddenly decided you want to kick someone's ass and honestly believe you can do it (b**ch...i ain't playin...).

5. You start singing 80's songs at the top of your lungs and showing off your dance skills to the car next to you.

6. Your bladder becomes amazingly full every 10 minutes.

7. You sit down and the room and people around you start spinning profusely.

8. You're slurring your words so bad, that nobody can understand what your saying and then when they say what, you can't even remember what you were talking about.

9. You've come up with the brilliant idea that you can create less hassle on your friends by just "sleeping over" at a your guy friend's house.

10. You see beers all over a table so you lift each one up until you find one half full and chug it when no one is looking.

11. You talk to stupid skanks you really hate and tell them you really do like them and that ya’ll should be friends.

12. You pass out at the party. And the next morning there is writing all over your face and limbs. (If you pass out with your shoes on, you are fair game).

13. You find yourself peeing behind random buildings.

14. You become overly enthusiastic when someone offers you $20 dollars to make out with your friend (when you totally would have done it for free).

15. The man you're flirting with used to be your TA.

16. You've suddenly taken up smoking, and become really good at it.

17. Every conversation starts with a booming, "DON'T take this the WRONG WAY but..."

18. Your make-up is smeared all over your face and somehow you have still managed to make out with 5 different guys. very classy.

19. The urge to take off articles of clothing becomes strangely overwhelming.

20. Your eyes just don't seem to want to stay open on their own, so you keep them half closed and think it looks exotically sexy.

21. You yell at the bartender, because you think he cheated you by giving you lemonade, but that's just because you can no longer taste the vodka.

22. You think you're in bed, but your pillow feels strangely like the bathroom floor.

23. Your hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.

24. You begin to think you're a really good dancer and anyone within arms reach becomes your new dancing partner.

25. You've taken off your shoes because you believe it's their fault that you're having problems walking.

26. You can't feel your phone vibrating in your pocket and then when you look to see what time it is, you find you have 7 missed calls from someone you
"supposedly" met at the last party.

27. One minute you're strutting your stuff, the next minute you're rolling on the ground, and you can't seem to remember the transition.

28. You can no longer feel your face or limbs so you flail your body about to try to regain feeling.

29. You call your ex-boyfriend 1,000 times and leave lots of really nice voicemails saying that ya'll need to hang out more.

30. You start hugging strange people and having great converstations with strangers at whataburger.