It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.

If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Never mess up an apology with an excuse.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will spend the grocery money on graphite rods and lures.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.

Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.

Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.

One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.

Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.